humour | Wild Snow Geese

Wood stoves and other Distractions

Posted on December 8, 2016 by flynorth

It is approximately 22 degrees below zero (celsius) here this morning. Two days ago I woke up to frigid temperatures inside my house as most of the heat was not working- it took until about three in the afternoon for my little woodstove to take the edge off. I find that layering works if I’m briskly walking to the post office, but not if I am trying to write an essay (or anything that requires peeling my arms away from my body).

First thing in the morning I clean out the stove (ok, second thing- tea is the first thing) and get a fire going. And I have realized as the days go by in this brutal cold snap, that building a fire and maintaining it through the day (making Christmas presents) (my first ever without my kids), anchors me to a physical reality of healthy tasks. Its not the only thing- but as I hauled firewood up to my porch for an hour yesterday, it felt good.

I am aware that burning firewood as a source of heat is ridiculous in central Alberta. What few trees are left beg to die natural deaths, I’m sure. But I am also incredibly grateful for a roof over my head- and for heat of any kind when my snot freezes in my nostrils instantly when running from my house to the corner to put out the trash.

I struggle with incredible waves of sadness at funny moments- like right when I head to bed and curl up with the stuffed puppy my youngest gave me when I first left my husband- but I am also surprised by the incredible waves of gratitude. I am so much more grateful for every moment with my kids (and yes, I have teenagers- it is not for the faint of heart)(ok, maybe not every moment). I am so grateful for a home since I have experienced homelessness. I am so much more grateful for a car after not having one all last winter (and due to the fact that it doesn’t always start, I’m incredibly grateful every time it does). And I’m really not just saying this because I want to be a hippy- I feel it. I can’t explain it.

I’m going to stop thinking too much now, and just try to enjoy a fire. Although I really don’t have to try- I just do.

Downton Abbey

Posted on November 30, 2016 by flynorth

Last night, after walking home in the Freezing Cold of ‘Alberta finally realized it’s winter’, I sat down and decided to retry Downton Abbey, in an effort to push back depression by focussing on someone else’s glamourous drama. Cause mine sucks.

When people ask me what books/ music/ movies I like- I always say, “anything really well done”. Of course I lean towards believing that certain genres lend themselves to excellence better than others (I’m hard pressed to pick a song when it comes to country music, for instance). With TV and movies, I lean towards BBC miniseries, netflix suspense/ murder shows, comedy like ‘Community’, ‘Brooklyn 99’, or political satire like John Oliver or Stephen Colbert.

That being said, I had a hard time getting into Downton Abbey the first couple times I tried it- and I always went back to the first episode because by the time I tried again I couldn’t remember the details. I’m not sure what my issue was- but I kept going back because it just seemed like I Should like it and so many people I respect loved it.

Last night I made the quick call to jump to episode two, and 2 or 3 episodes later found myself pleasantly hooked. Maggie Smith has thoroughly earned my respect (she makes my mother in law pale in comparison and I still like her) although overall the acting was really good. I can see why people rave about it finally- the anomalies don’t distract very much, and overall you come away with a sense of a beautiful complex world that is wonderfully different than the practical pavement walmart world I have to come back to.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Posted on November 28, 2016 by flynorth

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I very rarely go to the movies anymore (it is my husbands thing- I like to take my kids for hikes that are free and bribe them with treats I don’t normally buy…), but last saturday the stars aligned for me to drive my kids into the city to watch ‘Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them’.

For my four kids and I it was 66 dollars to buy our tickets, almost 40 dollars to buy popcorn and sodas, 50 dollars to fill my tank before we drove an hour 20 minutes to get to the theatre, plus 20 bucks for Tim Hortons on the way home. And I knew this going into it- I had just had some unexpected money come in, and while most of it went to car maintenance and savings against poverty, I decided to splurge and do something my kids wanted to do.

As movie options go, if I am going to splurge, I want it to be something that is enhanced by watching in the theatre- something beautiful and magical. I love movies that make me feel like magic is just to be looked for and that our imaginations can make the world more beautiful (this is SOOOOO cheesy).

My kids broke down their thoughts on the way back to our Freezing and Non- starting car. They gave the movie pretty high marks- my ten year old said it wasn’t too evil, and my 16 year old remarked how delicious Eddie Redmayne is. They watch a lot of movies with their dad so they were pretty detailed in their criticism. I was just really grateful for a return of a sense of something magical- a reminder that a suitcase doesn’t just have to be a suitcase, just like our mind doesn’t just have to calculate our bills. My mind can hold and imagine universes (I don’t care if this is cheesy- pour it on I say) and I loved that I was able to suspend my overthinking calculating over consuming north american brain and Enjoy a Story.

And Eddie Redmayne is delicious. Not that I’m hungry. Just an observation.

View From My Window- Dealing with Alcoholism in the middle of Divorce

Posted on November 24, 2016 by flynorth

A lady once told me that you are an alcoholic if you believe that you are. I have also been told that I am an alcoholic, told that I am not an alcoholic (all of my family would say that if I say I am an alcoholic, then I’m saying they are)(and they would probably say that beer in hand)(which means nothing)(except that they really like it), told that I’m just someone who struggles with a dependency, told that my husband made me believe I was to control and shame me, told that I have to completely abstain forever, and told that it’s harder and better to learn moderation, etc., ad nauseum.

Add to the mix that my husband has told me and many others that I am an alcoholic to the point of being an unfit parent, right when we are going to court to decide how much either of us will see our kids. Also add to the mental gymnastics that at the same time that he accused me of something with some truth in it, he also accused me of many other things that were not true (to the best of my ability to understand it). Like being bipolar, having multiple affairs, being a liar, etc. I still (intelligent though I may be)(somebody give me a math test) have a really hard time having clarity about myself because of my past- childhood and marriage. How can I separate all of these voices and sort through what is mine to own and deal with?

So, whatever I am, say I need help. Say I need it to at least be the best mom I can be- that if not an out and out alcoholic, in moments of stress I have struggled with it. That there are days when I can’t not drink, and if I’m going to drink, I don’t eat, and when the first bottle of wine is empty, I’m sad I didn’t buy two. Say that in the middle of everything I deeply want a life that is built on wanting to live in it- being emotionally available to my kids, mentally and physically present and intentional. Say I want to abstain from alcohol, but usually after a few months something rocks my boat and I struggle for a few days and then start abstaining again. Say I just need support that doesn’t judge me but sees my potential and says ‘neither do I condemn you’. And perhaps even ‘how can I help?’.

For women in my situation, how hard is it to get help? If I publicly admit I want or need help, it would only add to my husbands arguments that he is the more stable parent. And he has proven (and openly stated) that he would take the kids if he could.

So I tiptoe forward, trying to live like a nun until my divorce goes through, at which point I hope it is safer to find people who can walk my journey of building a new life with me, without fear of losing my kids.

Rest Stops: Canada vs. the USA

Posted on November 24, 2016 by flynorth

This is the rest stop that you encounter as you are leaving Cranbrook BC heading towards the US border, just north of Bonners Ferry, Idaho. I have stopped here many times now, usually on my way to Eugene Oregon, or headed up to visit my parents in Three Hills, Alberta, Canada. This rest stop is just about as good as it gets- they have a decent size trail system that is simple, taken care of, and full of trees and shrubs, small bridges, and right beside a beautiful river with the rockies beyond. It is right off the highway with a little travel info office and bathrooms with flushing toilets 🙂

The problem that I have with Canada is that rest stops are sporadic, far between, and hit or miss. (I am driving in incredible stretches of the Rockies- it makes sense it’s just inconvenient…) What they have in abundance is roadside pullouts for litter. I don’t know how often on a LONG stretch through the prairies or skirting a city I have seen a pullout coming up and thought- obviously litter is more of a priority than human bladders (not making a judgement, just an observation). There is ONE gas station on my route that is right off the road between Crowsnest Pass BC and Beiseker AB (at which point I’m 20 minutes from home and wonder if I can make it so I don’t have to use a bathroom otherwise only fraternized by vampires and serial killers).

Cross into Idaho, and pretty much from Bonner’s Ferry to Spokane there are easy places to stop if needed, and between Spokane and Eugene, there are plentiful if utilitarian rest stops. Like this one in Sprague Oregon, one of several along the Columbia as you head west towards Portland on Highway 84, with Mt. Baker looming on the horizon. They are not fancy, right off the highway, usually a dog walk size trail and some trimmed grass, a few picnic tables, and other weary, wary, and curious travelers. If you have time, there are real hikes at state parks, and sights like Multnomah Falls, but if you are just trying to get distance- these work. And I deeply appreciate them. And so does my bladder. And my aching bones after hours of unnatural sitting posture.

So Canada has a lot more untouched beauty, but is definitely a lot less travelled. Which means less public outcry for plentiful potties along the highway. The American highways are full, busy, and well travelled- which means more money and more expectation of said plentiful potties. So really, I appreciate both- its been fun to have a drive that is so diverse. And the more I get to know it the more I know the ways to work with it- like the Chain Lakes Provincial park in AB that makes it so I don’t have to pull into Calgary and instead can book it home, while not having to go far off the road. And since I’m stopped, I always force myself to slow down and walk and look around. And in the US, because I don’t have to take the road less travelled by, I don’t tend to find those places and force myself to plan for them. But I make great highway time.

Single Mom Life

Posted on November 23, 2016 by flynorth

All the classic things I thought would be struggles as a single mom have been my cold reality for the last two years- like when you know that trying to grab a hot pan is going to burn you, but you try anyway, cause your hands are tough and you are tougher. And then you have a burn, like you knew you would. Things like it suddenly mattering that I do not know how to change the oil on my car (or anything about maintaining a car), not being able to carry heavy objects like the beds I just bought for my kids (again- third time’s the charm), and having little job skills or experience when I find myself a sole supporter of myself and my kids after being their primary caregiver for 16 years and homeschooling and supporting my husband’s career (I mean Really- he was a pastor- I housed people (up to 16 at a time) hosted meetings, filled in for him, made huge amounts of food constantly, taught music/ sunday school/ etc- you name it. It was full time, unpaid, and untitled).

I had heard different perspectives about navigating legal battles, like: the women always get everything, and no matter what it will be ugly. The first has been far from true for me, and the second very true. Everyone’s story is different- so here is bits and pieces of mine.

When I first separated from my husband, because he did not agree to a separation and I had no resources, I ended up just being homeless for three months before moving back in. I could not find aid for housing (I was a full time student) and had little or no contacts to ask for help from since we had just moved to Eugene. He would not agree to me being alone with the kids (he had had legal counsel that told him that any court in Oregon would settle for the kids based on what was normative for the previous three months) and told everyone that I was mentally unstable, an alcoholic, that I had had multiple affairs, that I was a liar, etc. The couple people I knew decided they would not help me (let me sleep on their couch or anything) because they didn’t want to get involved. As he backed down a bit, finally agreeing to rotating staying at the house one week one week, I ended up trying to live with him again. (Am I the stupidest person in the world or the most hopeful??)

People ask me why I wouldn’t just ask him to leave, or take the kids. My reason was that my husband is a very strong personality and I knew he would fight me for the kids, call the cops, try to prove I was abusive, and basically destroy me.

After a few months of not great but not horribleness, we decided to move up to Canada temporarily to be near my family and so he could send the kids to the private christian school he had been sent to as a kid from Alaska. I moved ahead of him, and by the time he arrived our phone calls had deteriorated our relationship to the point where I felt unsafe living with him again, and I separated from him the day he arrived. Pretty sucky for all involved (I’d use stronger language but just keep trying to reach for the world being a more beautiful place).

I applied for and got into low income housing, got a job as a cashier at the college cafeteria, and went through three months of my husband not agreeing to anything- when the sale of our house went through he ‘gave’ all of the money to his mom in Alaska (almost 200,000) dollars, wouldn’t pay child support since he didn’t agree to the separation, and would only agree to me having the kids mon- wed. So I didn’t have them for a weekend until Christmas. I filed for divorce because I didn’t know what else to do- Alberta couldn’t help me with the assets, but at that point I didn’t care- I just wanted to see my kids more and not feel so helpless. I just wanted to be able to choose.

In January he agreed out of court to going one week/ one week (FINALLY) and started paying me 400 dollars a month for grocery money. He did this because he was so frustrated with lawyers and how much he had paid his (in the hopes, as written in numerous emails, that he would show the world how horrible I was). He threatened me that if I continued to pursue a parenting plan/ separation agreement legally (he had convinced himself that I was ‘going after him legally’ because in the suit it had mentioned that there had been physical abuse in our past and because it asked for his financial docs) that he would ‘destroy me in court and that he would get full custody of our kids’.

Believe it or not, a few months went by and with the kids falling into a routine, and my life being free of the stress of our relationship, I felt safe enough to start hanging out with him again. I am searching my brain to think of a funny way to talk about this, but words fail me. I know I am choosing which parts of the story to share- there is much more I could write to flesh out the story (maybe in other posts)- but as far as I am able to understand truth, these things all really happened as I am stating them. I still have the emails he wrote, the money and kid threats all really happened. And then, he was his usual handsome winning self, and I lived in the tension of sometimes enjoying his company and sometimes being so empty after a conversation of him tearing me apart. And then he hugs me, or we have a good moment with the kids, and I want to be forgiving, not easily offended, generous, and on a very deep level, I want to be right with God- I just really really don’t know what that means anymore. Specifically when it comes to divorce.

So, I moved in for a month, and moved out again. Our ‘reconciliation’ ended when he asked me to move out without the kids (he had been triggered when I stayed with a girlfriend in town one night due to bad roads- he was convinced she was trying to seduce me), and for the first time, I decided to load them up and leave with them even though I knew he would probably call the cops. And he did. My kids were all bawling while he told them not to come with me. I told him I was just going to take them to thanksgiving for the weekend (Canadian thanksgiving is wisely in October) and we could talk about what to do after that. Didn’t matter.

The RCMP officer was gracious and very calming- he allowed my dad to take the kids to my parents while I and my husband gave statements. I sat in the police car destroyed again- after two years of not even being able to face how much I decided so much in my life based on what his reaction would be, I couldn’t avoid it anymore. I watched him walk out of the house with the lady officer laughing. I was able to leave with my kids and here I am- I was able to get a house, I have my kids week on week off, I am going back to school, and life is uphill but I have so many reasons to be grateful.

My reality as a single mom while working full time was really hard though- I was up at five getting their lunches/ breakfast out, wake up my 16 year old daughter before I left, work 9 hours, get home make dinner help with homework fall into bed. It was hard to give up a single night with them to make friends or build a support network, and it was really hard to squeeze in workouts or anything fun or creative- which I am realizing how desperately we humans need. I would try sporadically to ‘get out’ but it was really limited. Now that I have just quit my job as I get ready to go to school (and try to get out of being below the poverty line working minimum wage jobs that suck the life out of me and make me emotionally and physically unavailable for my kids) my quality of life has shot up- I am just more rested and able to do things with the kids in the evenings, and less apt to snap at them. I am more patient about housework or homework or working through conflict- I’m more able to have their friends over and have messy life invade my space (to an extent… I’m an introvert with a growing love for people- but easy does it 🙂 )

I cannot believe how hard it is for someone, who I consider semi-intelligent, to have clarity about my marriage. I see other people’s junk so clearly. As the date for my divorce to be finalized looms up, I find myself Still going back and forth. Wondering what our issues really are, if I could just have stronger boundaries, maybe if I communicated more clearly, if I could meditate myself free from fearing him; will I have to tell my kids someday that I divorced their dad because I just wasn’t strong enough? A woman told me recently that he can’t shame or control me if I don’t let him. Which is empowering and guilt inducing at the same time.

So being a single mom is ok- I love the freedom and simplicity. Even without my husband, there are still five of us who have to agree on schedules and menus and friend times and dating rules etc. I have to practice boundaries with my parents, kids, friends, guys who pursue me, etc. But there is a normality to it that just isn’t there when my husband is around. A simplicity about every decision I have to make.

The hardest thing continues to be that while I am practically single, my messed up brain still has these unresolved connections to a man I loved and lived with all of my adult life. So I continue to try to find healing, hope, clarity, and be present in the moment- and, dear God, please let me find new things to think about and laugh about, so I can move into a new beginning rather than carrying the past like a rotting salmon that drags behind me. (as a long term Alaskan resident, the curious rotting of the salmon while still alive always fascinated me)…