All the classic things I thought would be struggles as a single mom have been my cold reality for the last two years- like when you know that trying to grab a hot pan is going to burn you, but you try anyway, cause your hands are tough and you are tougher.  And then you have a burn, like you knew you would.  Things like it suddenly mattering that I do not know how to change the oil on my car (or anything about maintaining a car), not being able to carry heavy objects like the beds I just bought for my kids (again- third time’s the charm), and having little job skills or experience when I find myself a sole supporter of myself and my kids after being their primary caregiver for 16 years and homeschooling and supporting my husband’s career (I mean Really- he was a pastor- I housed people (up to 16 at a time) hosted meetings, filled in for him, made huge amounts of food constantly, taught music/ sunday school/ etc- you name it.  It was full time, unpaid, and untitled).

I had heard different perspectives about navigating legal battles, like: the women always get everything, and no matter what it will be ugly.  The first has been far from true for me, and the second very true.  Everyone’s story is different- so here is bits and pieces of mine.

When I first separated from my husband, because he did not agree to a separation and I had no resources, I ended up just being homeless for three months before moving back in.  I could not find aid for housing (I was a full time student) and had little or no contacts to ask for help from since we had just moved to Eugene.  He would not agree to me being alone with the kids (he had had legal counsel that told him that any court in Oregon would settle for the kids based on what was normative for the previous three months) and told everyone that I was mentally unstable, an alcoholic, that I had had multiple affairs, that I was a liar, etc.  The couple people I knew decided they would not help me (let me sleep on their couch or anything) because they didn’t want to get involved.  As he backed down a bit, finally agreeing to rotating staying at the house one week one week, I ended up trying to live with him again.  (Am I the stupidest person in the world or the most hopeful??)

People ask me why I wouldn’t just ask him to leave, or take the kids.  My reason was that my husband is a very strong personality and I knew he would fight me for the kids, call the cops, try to prove I was abusive, and basically destroy me.

After a few months of not great but not horribleness, we decided to move up to Canada temporarily to be near my family and so he could send the kids to the private christian school he had been sent to as a kid from Alaska.  I moved ahead of him, and by the time he arrived our phone calls had deteriorated our relationship to the point where I felt unsafe living with him again, and I separated from him the day he arrived.  Pretty sucky for all involved (I’d use stronger language but just keep trying to reach for the world being a more beautiful place).

I applied for and got into low income housing, got a job as a cashier at the college cafeteria, and went through three months of my husband not agreeing to anything- when the sale of our house went through he ‘gave’ all of the money to his mom in Alaska (almost 200,000) dollars, wouldn’t pay child support since he didn’t agree to the separation, and would only agree to me having the kids mon- wed.  So I didn’t have them for a weekend until Christmas.  I filed for divorce because I didn’t know what else to do- Alberta couldn’t help me with the assets, but at that point I didn’t care- I just wanted to see my kids more and not feel so helpless.  I just wanted to be able to choose.

In January he agreed out of court to going one week/ one week (FINALLY) and started paying me 400 dollars a month for grocery money.  He did this because he was so frustrated with lawyers and how much he had paid his (in the hopes, as written in numerous emails, that he would show the world how horrible I was).  He threatened me that if I continued to pursue a parenting plan/ separation agreement legally (he had convinced himself that I was ‘going after him legally’ because in the suit it had mentioned that there had been physical abuse in our past and because it asked for his financial docs) that he would ‘destroy me in court and that he would get full custody of our kids’.

Believe it or not, a few months went by and with the kids falling into a routine, and my life being free of the stress of our relationship, I felt safe enough to start hanging out with him again.  I am searching my brain to think of a funny way to talk about this, but words fail me.  I know I am choosing which parts of the story to share- there is much more I could write to flesh out the story (maybe in other posts)- but as far as I am able to understand truth, these things all really happened as I am stating them.  I still have the emails he wrote, the money and kid threats all really happened.  And then, he was his usual handsome winning self, and I lived in the tension of sometimes enjoying his company and sometimes being so empty after a conversation of him tearing me apart.  And then he hugs me, or we have a good moment with the kids, and I want to be forgiving, not easily offended, generous, and on a very deep level, I want to be right with God- I just really really don’t know what that means anymore.  Specifically when it comes to divorce.

So, I moved in for a month, and moved out again.  Our ‘reconciliation’ ended when he asked  me to move out without the kids (he had been triggered when I stayed with a girlfriend in town one night due to bad roads- he was convinced she was trying to seduce me), and for the first time, I decided to load them up and leave with them even though I knew he would probably call the cops.  And he did.  My kids were all bawling while he told them not to come with me.  I told him I was just going to take them to thanksgiving for the weekend (Canadian thanksgiving is wisely in October) and we could talk about what to do after that.  Didn’t matter.

The RCMP officer was gracious and very calming- he allowed my dad to take the kids to my parents while I and my husband gave statements.  I sat in the police car destroyed again- after two years of not even being able to face how much I decided so much in my life based on what his reaction would be, I couldn’t avoid it anymore.  I watched him walk out of the house with the lady officer laughing.  I was able to leave with my kids and here I am- I was able to get a house, I have my kids week on week off, I am going back to school, and life is uphill but I have so many reasons to be grateful.

My reality as a single mom while working full time was really hard though- I was up at five getting their lunches/ breakfast out, wake up my 16 year old daughter before I left, work 9 hours, get home make dinner help with homework fall into bed.  It was hard to give up a single night with them to make friends or build a support network, and it was really hard to squeeze in workouts or anything fun or creative- which I am realizing how desperately we humans need.  I would try sporadically to ‘get out’ but it was really limited.  Now that I have just quit my job as I get ready to go to school (and try to get out of being below the poverty line working minimum wage jobs that suck the life out of me and make me emotionally and physically unavailable for my kids) my quality of life has shot up- I am just more rested and able to do things with the kids in the evenings, and less apt to snap at them.  I am more patient about housework or homework or working through conflict- I’m more able to have their friends over and have messy life invade my space (to an extent… I’m an introvert with a growing love for people- but easy does it 🙂 )

I cannot believe how hard it is for someone, who I consider semi-intelligent, to have clarity about my marriage.  I see other people’s junk so clearly.  As the date for my divorce to be finalized looms up, I find myself Still going back and forth.  Wondering what our issues really are, if I could just have stronger boundaries, maybe if I communicated more clearly, if I could meditate myself free from fearing him; will I have to tell my kids someday that I divorced their dad because I just wasn’t strong enough?  A woman told me recently that he can’t shame or control me if I don’t let him.  Which is empowering and guilt inducing at the same time.

So being a single mom is ok- I love the freedom and simplicity.  Even without my husband, there are still five of us who have to agree on schedules and menus and friend times and dating rules etc.  I have to practice boundaries with my parents, kids, friends, guys who pursue me, etc.  But there is a normality to it that just isn’t there when my husband is around.  A simplicity about every decision I have to make.

The hardest thing continues to be that while I am practically single, my messed up brain still has these unresolved connections to a man I loved and lived with all of my adult life.  So I continue to try to find healing, hope, clarity, and be present in the moment-  and, dear God, please let me find new things to think about and laugh about, so I can move into a new beginning rather than carrying the past like a rotting salmon that drags behind me.  (as a long term Alaskan resident, the curious rotting of the salmon while still alive always fascinated me)…